I just wanted to add that in my experience as a POC in a white majority country its mostly been well-meaning people who have made me feel discriminated against. You can do it as far as you can. (I am also not her only parent, so I dont get to act unilaterally. Be here at 6.. And we do have fun and hang out occasionally. So that golden rule requires a bit of pre-invitation sounding-out. 1, It feels rude not to ask back. The mental stress is the same whether you interrupt a current rest period or interrupt the chance to get there before it before it starts. So yeah, I feel that part too. Read also. I honestly dont know how young people are functioning as well as they are, given that. Ive had good luck with, Fantastic! because no matter what is happening to me, I am still fantastic in various ways. While we're sure there are plenty more things people do for fun, these are some good hobbies to mention: Outdoors activities like rock climbing, hiking, cycling, etc. Guys, sorry, I wont be able to make it., The kitty I am catsitting has fallen asleep in my lap. (And this is all, of course, assuming I dont want to go. I make a special point to not do that, not even if the thing Im asking for help with is sort of non-negotiable. !" 6) "Come back here weekend!! Try these OOO messages to let people know you're taking a break. We do this so thoroughly that we then have to figure out how to re-train them so this doesnt put them at greater risk in the presence of predators, and we dont do that re-training thoroughly enough. But most native speakers will still answer with the single word "Good.". I'm sorry I can't really talk right now. If someone challenges me on something, my default response is to assume the other person is right and I am wrong. Why not be honest? What about you?. No matter what I say its, okay, well I was just gonna see if you wanted to [actual invitation / request]. Theyre so nice and interested, they cant possibly be racist/microaggressive! Skip the part where you say Ill have to check my calendar or even Im not surejust go ahead and ask them what they have in mind! In my experience small-talking cashiers/customer service people, giving them an opening to chat is the surest way to get out of having to fill the conversation myself. (Seriously? I kind of like your signature line as a response! Based on your listed interests, it looks like we have a lot in common. Then there is the Miss Manners rebuff, where the pitch is level until the final word is raised. Also Go ahead and get your friends to hate me and think Im mean, if its ever helpful to you. 1. And just because my plans dont include hanging out with anyone or leaving my home, it doesnt mean that I am free or willing to cancel them. Like I said, you know the people and the situation better than I, an Internet Stranger, do. I get a bit awkward when people ask me that question too, because of the whole half-agreeing to plans before theyre actually exposed (I never considered it nosy personally but I can see how it might come across that way). Re #1, true that. A playful Why, whats up? is cool, but I am probably not compatible friends with someone whose response to a polite-small-talk/soft-invite-opening is to demand why I am asking such a nosy question. Not everyone in my life always has. Can I let you know for sure tomorrow?. I wanted to stayyou can make why do you ask? be a friendly lineand you probably should. You can say "because you're too hideous" or "because you're too old." Just make sure to follow these three rules for sending Tinder messages: Keep it PG-13, even on Tinder. Although it can be asked in the ways LW talks about too, usually for me it is just a way of sharing life with friends and doesnt have much motivation beyond that. Theres a world of small talk out there that doesnt Other a person, and being genuinely curious is not a justification for anything. Who on earth does #4, besides a small boy under 6? But people should take turns is different from someone else should always go first (or for gendered/other status reasons, I should always go first). Its all back to the lines of dominance and power again. Cause you dont have to find out if Im busy BEFORE inviting me to something or asking me for a favor. If theyre just curious, they can say so, if they want to invite you to something, it gives them the chance, and if you feel like engaging further, you can. Ill do it anyway, but saying it that way doesnt make it somehow not an order, Mom! Apparently, social people use this question as a test to see if you are really one of them. I am sure this is going to get attacked for scaremongering and concern-trolling, but I mean, yeah. I think my aunt asks this question for the same reason you do. So if you say Im probably going to that new movie, they dont ask and youre not put on the spot. Spares you from having to say Great and feel like youre lying (which can be uncomfortable even when you *are* aware youre participating in a defined social ritual), but also averts the worry that if you say things are bad, the asker will pry for more details. (Im looking at you, mom, and you too, aunt.). May suggest reversing the order of operations? And because family members pitch in. And maybe just dont think of the flip side where the question could potentially add more pressure. 2. Aunt: Are you doing anything this weekend? Ive heard its a very Southern California thing and that people from other places are annoyed by it. Btw, the annoyed reaction at go to the airport and the misunderstanding re: grandma could be exactly because she is used to you making decisions for her and expecting her to follow through. Humor is one of the best ways to respond to being asked out, as long as it's well-received. (that said, I do aim at treating her the way I would an adult roommate.) Give small truths. Rob: Hey Jan. Good, thanks, you? Plus, young women and girls arent stupid they know that most people will view them as being at the absolute bottom of the dominance pecking order and will resent it if they dont answer questions put to them. [I often go in around lunch time.] Because as far as I can tell, youre saying you want to be treated with the closeness of family, only you seem pretty adamant you dont actually want to be family with her in the sense of two adults choosing to be together and support each other as family youre very clear that you want a relationship where you retain levels of dominance and control only suitable with a minor child. If its just a soft open to an invitation, you can be annoyed by it, or you can say, I dunno, you?. You have to answer the . And I try to be easier on myself for not having more exciting weekend plans. In general, most people will expect a response like this when they . ), This is one of those times where having a live-in or serious SO/partner/spouse is super convenient. Im much better at saying no now, and I realize that in most situations saying no is a perfectly socially acceptable answer. To those who are wondering why this is such a big deal when its just a social pleasantries thing: I *almost* put this in my original questions but left it out for length and (I thought) irrelevance -The question does not bug me at all when people ask at work or social functions as a way to make conversation. And then he goes around and rants to all his buddies that women are sooooooooooo shallow because she *wouldnt* date him based only on his appearance (yes, I know the flaming illogic is bizarre). 7. If I always have to be the one reaching out, that can feel either like the emotional and planning labor are being taken for granted, or like they dont actually care whether they see me. People use it for all sorts of reasons. When you joined a new job and your team leader or boss asked you about how you're doing, this is your honest answer and a way to show your enthusiasm. Youre my first choice, but you are not my last hope., (3) So, I know this is a little awkward, but recently Ive realized I like you in a um well, in a romantic way, and I would love it if we could maybe go out on a date sometime and see how that goes? This will not go away. Making conversions . Rock the anger, LW. Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email. Wondering why you're in here. I also come from an area that tends to do a lot more indirect communication than I think many parts of the US, though, and tend to prefer a softer communication style unless someones being either rude or unaware enough to force me into being blunt. In the age of smartphones I also often find that my calendar is inside the device Im holding up to my ear In theory I could ask them to pause the conversation while I check the calendar, but I havent yet found a script to actually get them to stop talking while I do that. I always answer with [local Canadian area], because its 1) true and 2) not at all the answer theyre fishing for (although I sometimes? Where I live, in Sweden, you can ask your family, friends, coworkers etc How are you? and the reply would typically be somewhere between Its good and Im a litte tired because the baby has a cold, but otherwise things are good, but never Kind of bad, my depression is making life really dark right now (at least not when used as a small-talk question). My cousins with kids are trying to push their 8-12 year olds on me to tutor them and Im like 1. Me: Yeah, Ive got some stuff I have to get done. You always say Im working on my crochet projects this weekend. So the question layers, starting with are you free Saturday? Are a strategy Ive used to hopefully take the pressure off other people. Just ask! I get that I might not be asked to future events as well. Flat? A question is not a legal summons, you can literally ignore it if you want! On the other hand, there are the problem/dominance-related ones: 1. I think there is something to be said for family relationships between adults where the balance is between emotional labor and responsibility for the home rather than money. Person B: Oh, fine, thanks. N- New adventure. Its just a formulaic greeting. If partying and watching Netflix is the only thing you dream of doing, don't pretend that you spend your days filling out job applications. 2. 1. +1, Im the same way. You know, I just had a *very* amusing misunderstanding with a facebook friend who was ranting about MLM (which I thought was the wlw type of MLM). . This breaks the meaningless exchange of localized variations in air pressure aspect of the typical greeting, and most people seem to respond favorably to having good things introduced into a conversation. For me, it was lack of basic adult civility and respect that was the death knell I didnt expect safety or that level of support after 18 and didnt feel wronged that it was not given. My husbands family is large and I generally love them, but sometimes I just do not want to eat little smokies and chips with 40 other people in a loud house with tons of screaming children. As in, What are you doing? is another way of asking What are your hobbies?. (And if you are Susie, forget about it!). *drops a house on MLM guy*, Heh. Oh man.I think this sort of thing bugs me because my dad very carefully taught me to ask/invite people for a specific activity/time precisely to avoid this scenario. Next week, tell me how it went? And then make myself a note to specifically ask about it. Reluctant runners just need a nudge. There is literally a meme that says When you ask me what Im doing today and I say Nothing, it does not mean Im free. Thats the kind of bullshit that is so often behind the oh Im so nice to your differentness behavior belief that you shouldnt be what you are, and that you probably did something not right to get there. I dont know many people who issue we should hang out soon with the expectation that the recipient is then supposed to plan an event if they agree? I, personally, issue a lot of soft invitations because I actually dont want to go to the trouble of planning something with someone who doesnt want to hang out in the first place? The good news is that when you sense an ulterior motive or that an invitation is imminent you can answer Dunno, Id have to look at my calendar to say for sure. Ive found that Why do you ask? comes across as a little cold or accusatory over text, but can be really warm/ friendly in person or over the phone. Brief excerpts (<250 words) may be shared with attribution & a link to the original post. Anything fun planned? Oh thanks capn for the hilarious answers!!! Good, looks like the flowers are coming out (in Spring) 1. 3. You know the parent is deliberately being controlling if that wont work for me gets any variation on, BUT WHYYYYYYYYYYY.. interactions that I think stand a significant chance of blowing up in peoples faces. Explain yourself; dont make me drag it out of you. Rob: I'm just leaving for work. Because if she werent a family member, Id throw her out on her ear; she sure as hell wouldnt be in my home with all her stuff. But really those friends should elaborate: What are you doing this weekend? 2) They are thinking of asking you to do something with them but are fishing around first because theyre afraid of asking directly right out either afraid of rejection or sometimes afraid of putting you on the spot or sometimes they just feel like it sounds too abrupt and unnatural to just without some chat first. Im glad for the above scripts! That! and she looked really pissed off, and I worried that maybe it sounded like I was looking for an excuse, any excuse, to get out of whatever she was proposing. See how thats all about you, and your kids, and not at all about her? My usual caveat- I am a very private person who others sometimes describe as off-putting and I perform the expected feminine social role like an ill-fitting plastic Halloween costume. Funny Mom Quotes (and Sayings) 3. But they seemed concerned that this type of answer was not appropriate or that there might be a better strategy. LW specifically gave examples of when it happens and why it annoys them, yet dozens of people are trying to splain that this is just small talk in their part of the world. It is a question that can be answered or echoed and nobody minds too much. I might hang out with some friends on Sunday. Maybe actually I am just dealing with one of those people who force you to be blunt. (If they didnt mean an invitation) Why? Im trying to train her out of the habit. A friend tricked me into agreeing to babysit her kid once using exactly that so what are you doing on X day approach. Texting gives you some time to think of clever or funny responses. Things have a funny way of working out. If you have a faaaaaaaamlyyyyyyyyyyyyyy culture where not providing free labor on demand for family makes you the jerk, lean in to it and accept the mantle of jerk; this frees you from ever needing to try to avoid that label in the future. Im sure to him thats bewildering, but to me its bewildering that for so long he simply refused to choose to behave with appropriate respect. Unless I have specific plans that I want to talk about, my two go to answers are: Oh, Im not sure yet! if Im open to a suggestion from who Im talking to; or Oh, Im not sure yet, why? if I feel like theyre being nosy or trying to figure out what my schedule is so they can invite me to something when they know Im free then put pressure on my if I say no (mother, Im looking at you). What are you doing? My mum likes to do similar things, trying to out me on the spot and pressure me to agree to things when Im on the phone to her. But, in the long run, in my life, I think the conflict over emotional labor and fair division of chores, while sometimes painful and frustrating, was something we were able to move past when I moved out because I never felt unsafe.
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